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[03 Jun 2009|11:12pm] |
happy seven month anniversary to me!
haha
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[03 Jun 2009|10:51am] |
i was reading my old posts and i guess i only ever post something about my relationship when things aren't going too well. to rectify that, i will say this; i have the best boyfriend en todo el mundo. we may have our problems, but that doesn't mean he's not the best person i've ever met. just being around him, and seeing the passion he radiates motivates me to be a better person.
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[01 Jun 2009|12:54am] |
i'm trying to pull myself out of the hole i've dug. my parents are just standing at the top pushing me back down every time i try to get out. i'm trying so hard to move on from this DUI and it's like they are doing everything they can to be negative and unhelpful. I know that I need to pay my dues for my mistakes but I feel like I have. I learned my lesson and I'm fucking miserable with my situation. They want me to be able to support myself and get a second job. the chances are slim that i'll find somewhere in walking distance. I pretty much need a car to get to any job that i would get. it's not easy to find a job, anyway. They say I can get a car when I can pay for my own insurance. well. I need that second job for that. it's so fucking backwards and stupid.
My parents got in a huge fight when I left today about the whole situation. I hate being the element that tears the family apart. they haven't fought in years..and my actions are causing so much negative energy between them. I wish they would just both be mad at me. I'd rather have that than see them fighting.
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[21 May 2009|05:05am] |
Open me up and you will see
I'm a gallery of broken hearts
I'm beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts
this is really for my benefit more than anyone else's.
So sixth grade was when everything changed. I did a complete 180 and went from playing in the mud with Paige and just being happy to…the complete opposite. I got boobs and I made sure everyone noticed. I started getting detentions for wearing clothes that were to revealing. I started getting attention from older boys. And that is when Alan came into my life. Alan was my first boyfriend. My first kiss. It was innocent enough but he was in 8th grade and that held a sort of stigma. So my reputation as the skanky virgin was developed. Needless to say, things didn’t work out with Alan. It’s been so long I don’t even remember how I reacted or if I even cried.
Seventh grade was my first year in the high school. I had developed a stable group of friends, Mary, Cassie, and Dusti. I got even more attention from older boys. I thrived off of the attention. I dated AJ Meyers, the most popular 9th Grader in school. I dumped him and that was a big deal. It got me lots of respect. A couple months later, I met two 9th graders, Corey and Dustin. They were best friends. They both wanted to date me. I led them on for about 8 months. Made thing awkward between them. Finally I chose the wrong one and he screwed me over. Corey, the one I chose, left me for his ex girlfriend…who is now his fiancé. Scratch that, they are married.
In eight grade I changed a lot. I started hanging out with a girl I never thought I would be friends with, Kayla Klotsch, a 10th Grader. She had a reputation at school for being easy and none of my friends liked her. She was a lot of fun. I really felt like I could be myself around her. I experienced a lot of things for the first time with Kayla. Like smoking cigarettes, sneaking out, getting high, and drinking. I started hanging out with other older people that had the same interests as me. By interests I mean binge drinking and taking mindaltering substances. J.P. Williamson, Lisa Edwards, and Tiffany Burza. J.P. sold weed. I smoked after school with him almost every day. Lisa liked to do whippits and robotussin. Tiffany liked to drink and take triple c’s. All of the sudden I was exposed to all of these fun things and I couldn’t get enough. It quickly spun out of control and instead of just having fun on the weekends I would be meeting up with my “friends” to chug robotussin before school or even just completely skipping school to get drunk. Tiffany ended up trying to overdose on triple c’s and the blame was on me for supplying her with them even though she stole them from me and I didn’t know about it. I’m 14 years and I’m getting blamed for the actions of a 17 year old. This was also the year that I lost my virginity…to Corey Geyer, of all people. He was still with his girlfriend but I didn’t care. I thought that whatever connection we had was more than physical and in some twisted way thought giving myself to him would make him realize he wanted to be with me too. Well, yeah, I snuck out of Kayla’s house one winter night and rode a fucking bike to his house. Ridiculous situation got even more fucked up when my parents read a letter I wrote to my friend that contained all the juicy details of getting my cherry popped by a sixteen year old. Wooo statutory rape!! My parents not only called Corey’s parents but they tried to press charges. The whole situation leaked out into the general population of Lawrence and soon I went from being skanky but innocent to the slut of the universe. No one at school would talk to me. I got dirty looks in the hall with the occasional slut sneeze. Needless to say, things were really fucking awesome. I started drinking more and more. Sometimes I would just drink in my room by myself until I passed out. Sometimes I would cut my arms and legs. I never wanted to die and the cuts were never deep I just enjoyed inflicting physical pain and part of my just really wanted the attention. What can I say? I was an angsty little tween. The summer after eighth grade consisted of a lot of counseling (by my mothers force). I gained about 10 pounds. Um…that’s really all I can remember…
In 9th Grade, Kayla was in 11th grade and she switched schools. My only close friend was gone. I started hanging out with a bunch of superficial jock bitches that I had nothing in common with. I thought it was important to not just lay down and let all the haters cramp my style. Haha. I slowed down with the partying and focused on school. Ninth grade wasn’t very exciting until the spring. I met Alison and Laura. They were seniors which at the time was a big deal to me. I had always been terribly intimidated by them and all of the sudden Alison fucking Paver is asking me to go to a show with her. So I got to a Vinny Keys/A Few Miles North/Chiodos show at Dana Hall’s house. This is where I met Jeff and all the other members of the skeet crew. I hung out with Alison and Laura again a few nights later and went to Eric Owns’ place. This is where I met Jungle Juice. Long story short I made I huge fool out of myself and ended up hooking up with Jeff, who was dating Alison, in the laundry room and everyone was watching through a window. Awesome. So my relationship with Alison didn’t get off to a very stable start. It was built on deception and an empty assurance that the incident with Jeff didn’t really matter. For some reason, Jeff ended up really liking me. We started dating behind Alison’s back…that’s where the deception comes in. I finally was being accepted by two girls that intimidated the shit out of me all through school and I was jeporodizing our friendship for a fucking boy. Alison eventually found out and our friendship ended just as quickly as it had began. Laura stuck around and I started hanging out with her a lot more. Alison and Laura’s friendship hit a rough patch because of this, but Laura and I got really close. We soon were spending days on end together and I couldn’t be happier. I had gained a really great friend and a boyfriend as well. Jeff and I were together for about three months. I started drinking a lot again during this time because all of my new friends liked to go out and party. I ended up at a bonfire with Laura one night and Alison was there. We weren’t best friends, but we were on civilized terms. Laura and Alison both ended up leaving with boys and I had no way home so I called Corey. So Corey and I ended up fooling around. I felt really bad because I liked Jeff a lot but I was too afraid to loose him. He ended up finding out about it because Alison told him. Things didn’t end well. To this day, we aren’t on speaking terms.
That summer I hung out with Laura a lot and we became inseparable. People thought of us as a single unit. Through her I met Lucas. Lucas and I quickly developed a unusual friendship. Well, I guess it’s not that unusual for friends of the opposite sex to have sexual tension. But we acted on it. He was like a glorified fuck buddy with all of the benefits of a best friend wrapped all into a cute stocky little package. He was everything I needed. We ended up spending all of our time together. It was a weird, almost undefinable relationship. He would get jealous when I hung out with other boys, and I didn’t like him spending time with girls. When he graduated he decided to end our non-existent relationship. He started dating Alex and we feel apart quickly.
Around the time Lucas started dating Alex, I started spending time with Colin. I was really reluctant to date him because he was Laura’s ex-boyfriend and one of Jeff’s best friends. At first I would just go out and party with him and get really drunk and end up spending the night at his house. As we grew to know each other, I found that we had a lot in common and our families had known each other for over 20 years. I had never met anyone that was so in sync with me as far as values and aspirations. He was chalked full of fun facts and stories that amazed me. Through all of those things, and though he was persistent, I was still reluctant to date him. Then I found out that I was pregnant. (I ended up having a miscarriage 3 days after finding out about the pregnancy. ) The whole experience really brought us closer together. I finally gave in and I was his girlfriend. We dated with little complication for about three months. On my 17th birthday, I had a party at Laura’s apartment and I got so drunk that I ended up passing out. When I woke up in the morning I was so embarrassed and upset that I had been too drunk to go home with Colin that I made Laura take me to his house at 8 in the morning. When I got to his house, still in my birthday dress and silver stilettos, I open the door to his bedroom and see him in bed with another girl. A girl that I knew. A girl that I had invited to my birthday party. My dumbass eventually forgave him and we dated for another eight months. (This was after learning that he had also slept with his ex girlfriend.) Our relationship had a major kink in the armor after all of the lies and unfaithfulness. We never learned to trust each other and we fought constantly. Colin was never good with channeling his anger and he would take it out in physical ways. It was mostly directed towards the drywall in his parent’s house. Sometimes the walls got a break when he was especially angry. I’m a very persistent person when it comes to relationships and I was determind to make things work out between us. I looked past all of the screaming matches and emotional distress. I looked past all of his psychotic behaviors and the fact that he had nothing going on in life besides me. I looked past the alcoholism and various other substance abuse issues for a long long time. I slowly watched him spiral out of control and I was being pulled in by the undertow. I don’t really remember what happened or what I did to make him get sick of me, but he did and he was the one to end it…on our ten month anniversary. Boy has got a talent for perfect timing.
After six months of being apart, I was finally getting my head straight and realizing I was much better off without him. I started hanging out with my friends again and was happy again. One night I went to a party with Alison and I met little fire crotch Justin Vaughn…in the bathroom during a hot make out session. haha. I ended up back at the Crescent St house with him that night. The next morning I met his roommates, Rob and Taylor and we smoked a bunch. Justin invited me to a party they were having there the following night. I brought Carissa and she met Taylor. They ended up hitting it off and dated for a while. (Carissa and I started hanging out a lot more frequently at this point, which was really cool because we ended up becoming really close.) So, during the time they were together I spent a lot of time at the house. Justin had moved out, but that was okay because I met Nik. Nik and I banged it out when it was convenient and we were both drunk. But as it turns out, I am a girl. And as Kenny Powers said, “every pair of tits comes with a gaping hole of need.” I started liking Nik a lot which opened up a-whole-nother vulnerability since he didn’t care about me in the same way whatsoever. (Somewhere along the line Justin and I became really good friends too…I don’t know how or when that happened.) Anyway. So Colin gets drunk one night and decides to call me. I try to give him another chance and it just ends in more screaming and punching of walls. But now, he continues to randomly call me. To this day, even…and we’ve been apart over two years now. I’m pretty ADD when it comes to writing.
SO Nik and I continue whatever the fuck we had together, on and off for like 8 months or so. It wasn’t any healthier for me to be with someone who didn’t want to be with me, let alone care about me at all, than to be with obsessive Colin. My self-esteem hit a pretty shallow plateau for a long while. I wasn’t ever happy and I fell behind in school often.
Things are better now though. It was actually through Nik that I met Nick Lobel, who I’m dating now. Mine and Lobel’s relationship isn’t by any means without issues, but so far, it’s been the happiest I’ve been with someone else. There’s definitely going to be more to this paragraph in the future…but that’s all I got for now.
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[21 May 2009|04:06am] |
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baah baah this is the sound of settling |
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i just watched a movie where this man and woman have been friends for ten years and then they finally realize that they are in love and get married.
i'm not sure how i feel about this. it's hard for me to decide if ending up with someone you've known forever is nothing more than settling. or maybe because you have so much in common with that person because of your similar surroundings, that you really are right for each other. who's to say there isn't someone else out there better though? on the other side of the world? ...that you've never met? but could you really hold a deep connection and understanding with someone who grew up with different experiences and different people? is whats considered love really anything more than settling for what you think is the best? what you think you deserve? is there always something out there that's better? what if no one ever really gets to meet the right person because they stop looking?
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[16 Mar 2009|12:11am] |
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my eyes still hurt from crying last night. i made a fool out of myself. nick is never going to love me. it's so fucking hard for me to give up on this relationship, but i think it's what i need to do. i can't make him love me. and being with him just makes me feel so unimportant. this is just not how a relationship should be. we are "on a break"...but what the fuck is that? you either want to be with someone or you don't. breaks are fucking stupid. i will find someone eventually and everything will be alright.
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[04 Mar 2009|10:02pm] |
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i love my dad. he always knows what to say.
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[04 Mar 2009|01:17am] |
i just had a major breakdown. i fucking called my mom at 1:00 am bawling my face off while sitting in my bathtub with all the lights turned off. whats even more ridiculous is what triggered it was that nick couldn't come over tonight because he was busy. i don't understand myself.
edit;
oh yeah, i forgot to take my prozac
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[03 Mar 2009|11:23am] |
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i'm failing CS 1000. like really getting an E. i got 19 out of 62 participation points. how fucking hard is it to get participation points. all you have to do is show up and i cant even manage that. also, I dropped my math class. I am the laziest person ever. I am a worthless waste of life. i haven't done anything but watch tv and eat the last 3 days. i woke up at 11:00am and was pissed off that i couldn't fall back asleep. i hate myself. i'm pathetic. i feel like everyone around me is so motivated. i don't like western. i think i would do better at a community college. fuck. i just hate everything.
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[28 Jan 2009|11:54pm] |
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mood |
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sassy |
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damien rice |
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What I am to you is not real
What I am to you, you do not need
What I am to you is not what you mean to me...
Why wont he just get the hell out of my life already. holy shit. it's been like 2 years or something.
Laura is moving to Arizona.
I really hate school.
I'm so lazy.
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[20 Jan 2009|06:55pm] |
i'm head over heels for this fucking kid
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[09 Jan 2009|02:39pm] |
i'm ridiculously happy.
except i spend $1180 yesterday. books and rent. blah.
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[04 Jan 2009|02:29am] |
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fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
i'm probably totally overreacting.
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckidy fuck.
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[30 Dec 2008|10:40pm] |
i'm going to rip your heart out and sew your chest back up and take your heart with me when i move out west.
woooowwwww wow wowow.
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